


Jack the Stripper

by Alexandria (heartfullofelves)



Series: X is for... [9]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-09
Updated: 2015-01-09
Packaged: 2018-03-06 21:54:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3149627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartfullofelves/pseuds/Alexandria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An amusing news article brightens Gwen and Ianto’s day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jack the Stripper

**Author's Note:**

> Written on 6/1/15. This is one of the least serious things I’ve ever written. I was inspired when I saw a beer called Jack the Sipper, so naturally “sipper” became “stripper”. Hope you like it! 
> 
> Warnings for mentions of nudity and drugs.

Gwen and Ianto were alone in the hub that evening, their boss mysteriously absent. Gwen was flicking through police reports on her computer, looking for anything that could be of interest to the Torchwood trio while Ianto checked the news online for the same. They usually had a programme that scanned for keywords and sent an alert if any were found, but it had crashed, and without Tosh to fix it, they had to resort to a more old-fashioned method.

Gwen was skimming a report about an increase in muggings all over Cardiff that month, and was so engrossed in her work that she almost missed Ianto calling her name – twice. “Sorry, Ianto,” she apologised, glancing away from the screen and blinking a few times to wake herself up a bit.

“Come over here?” asked Ianto. “You might want to have a look at this.”

Sighing, she pushed herself up off her chair and walked over to his workstation, wondering what he had to show her. She stood behind him and glanced over his shoulder at the screen. “What is it?” she asked, tiredness creeping through her tone. With just her, Jack, and Ianto left at Torchwood Three, they were all putting in extra hours, and she couldn’t remember the last time she’d had a full night’s sleep.

“‘Mystery man caught on camera naked in various parts of Cardiff’,” Ianto read the headline out loud to her.

She smirked. “As funny as that is, how is it relevant to us?”

Her friend cleared his throat and paraphrased the article. “Apparently, this man has been spotted at night at popular attractions in the city, wearing nothing except…an RAF cap. He’s a serial stripper.” Ianto looked at her and raised one eyebrow like only he could.

Gwen laughed. “Jack would love this,” she smiled. “Where is he, anyway?”

“Don’t know,” Ianto answered quickly. “But it gets better. The media have dubbed this man, cos they don’t know his true identity, Jack the Stripper.”

Her expression turned into one that was a combination of amusement, horror, and awe. “You can’t be serious.”

Ianto scrolled down the page and, sure enough, there was a blurry photo of their captain standing naked on top of the Millennium Centre with an RAF cap on his head and his hands on his hips, looking very much like the male stripper Gwen’s friends had hired for her hen night all those months ago. She exchanged a shocked and yet thoroughly amused glance with her friend, her cheeks slightly pink.

She then looked back at the photo and read the caption. “Well,” she said, “it explains where he’s been disappearing off to every night this week. I thought he just wanted some space and fresh air-”

“Or a rooftop,” Ianto contributed.

“-but apparently it was for this.” She waved a hand at the computer screen. She frowned then, a question popping into her head. “I know he has an ego the size of Cardiff and his body is nothing to be ashamed of, but don’t you think this is a bit extreme, even for him?”

“It _is_ almost out of character,” Ianto acknowledged, swivelling around in his chair to see her better, and matching her frown. Half a second later, his frown disappeared and he was running up to Jack’s vacant office, Gwen chasing at his heels.

“What is it?” she called, dying to know what he was doing.

He opened one of the desk drawers and retrieved a bag of orange powder. “This,” he said, sounding pleased with himself for figuring it out, “is Barcelona – the planet, not the city – cocaine. A very powerful drug that causes users to behave outside the societal norms whilst giving them a blissful high. Jack and I picked it up the other week, and since the bag’s quite a bit lighter than it was when we first found it, this is the explanation for Jack’s new after dark hobby.”

Gwen groaned, though her eyes were sparkling. “You have _got_ to be kidding me.”

“I wish. But you have to admit this has brightened your day.”

She released a long and heavy sigh, then gave Ianto a wicked grin. “Oh, definitely. My day is ten times better, thanks to this titbit of information. We can have a field day when he gets back in.”

Just then, the sound of the cog wheel door opening echoed through the hub, and the two friends looked at each other with unconcealed glee.

“I’ll make you your favourite coffee blend three times a day for a year if you let me be the one to confront him,” said Ianto.

“Deal,” agreed Gwen, trying to wipe her smile off so Jack didn’t suspect them of any conspiracy. “ _If_ I get to be in the room too.”

“Deal,” conceded Ianto, straightening his face as well.

A united front, they stood side by side to ambush their boss in his office. Poor Jack had no idea what was coming to him.


End file.
